One of my closest friends’ relationship is still relatively new, but she already has a feeling about this one. Most likely because the guy has qualities that make him primo, grade-A husband material. Qualities that anyone might notice and say, “Wow, what a mensch!” but that one lucky woman recognizes as reasons to marry the man!

In an effort to nail those reasons down, our friends at YourTango actually surveyed mental health professionals about what actually makes a man husband material. While the ability to communicate, honesty, and reliability came out as top traits, and those make perfect sense, there are many of other characteristics that make a guy a keeper. Without further ado …

1. He’s supportive no matter what. Whether you’re struggling with your career or health or any other personal challenge, we all want a man who is going to be encouraging, stick by our sides, and want to support us financially, emotionally, etc. even when he would have no need to.
2. He’s loyal. Obviously someone who would never cheat or sell you out, but also …
3. … not a mama’s boy. No one wants to spend a lifetime with a man who will repeatedly put his mom before you.
4. But he’s not disrespectful of his mom. YourTangoExpert Jennifer Elizabeth Masters warns, “If a man is disrespectful of his mother, he will disrespect you. If he does not get along with his mother, he is a bad risk.”
5. He’s family-oriented. Even if you don’t necessarily want to have kids, you probably want to marry a guy you can build a home and a life with. And who prioritizes togetherness with loved ones. Every time I see how important it is to be close with his family, I’m reminded what a wonderful husband my fiance will be.
6. He’s patient. File a guy with a hair-trigger temper under “do not want.”
7. He would drop what he’s doing to help little old ladies or children or anyone in need cross the street. Self-explanatory.
8. He’s fun to be around. Life’s short, but also too long to be bored by your partner.
9. He’s sexy. It never hurts to find your man irresistibly attractive.
10. He’s flexible. Some people are just naturally more stubborn, but a marriage is a two-way street, so he’s gotta be willing to compromise.
11. He’s compassionate. Being able to sympathize and empathize with others proves he’s got a huge heart.
12. He’s intellectually curious. Gotta love a man who never wants to stop learning. Keeps the conversation flowing and life exciting!
13. He’s motivated and strong. Conviction, drive, passion, etc. isn’t just hot but it’ll help him push through life’s adversities.
14. He helps you tackle your to-do list without being asked. He’ll take your little fluffy lap dog out for a walk or go get your car’s oil changed, just to make your life less stressful.

What are some other traits do you think make a guy husband material?

You’ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there’s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations — from bad kissing to sheer revenge. Read on for the truth about why women have given in to temptation.

Reason #1: There’s no passion
“I had been with John for about three years — he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion. Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject. I took a trip to Australia for work and while I was gone, I got together with a coworker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing. I broke up with John soon after I returned home and began dating the guy from the trip. Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: after dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married and we’re incredibly happy together.”
– Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ

Reason #2: To delay a breakup
“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape. When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one! By that time I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it. I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extracurricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”
– Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY

Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder
“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived. The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us getting physical. After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult, but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too. I visited Henry a few times and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably done out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me. I eventually stopped communicating with Henry. I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years after my program ended.”
– Tamara, 33, Portland, OR

Reason #4: To avoid being left out in the cold
“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing. After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric. I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave. Dave and I didn’t make it on round two, and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me. I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.”
– Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL

Reason #5: To make a break from a bad relationship
“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was. For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him. One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off. He was the complete opposite of Ethan — kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act. I kissed Will the night before he left and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.”
– Allison, 30, New York, NY

Reason #6: To find that missing piece
“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won. About eight months into our relationship, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete ‘beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him. We met him out that night and spent time alone together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn! Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
– Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL

Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine
“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was seeing other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it. One night, I got a call from a girl he had been secretly dating, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well. I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and spent time with the most attractive guy; I felt like it was the least he deserved! I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
– Ashante, 25, College Park, GA

For the other side of the story, read Confessions: 8 reasons men cheat.

 by Jessica Padykula

RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS

Most people believe that love between newly intimate partners will automatically be open-hearted and totally vulnerable. In reality, that is not often the case. Most new lovers not only withhold those parts of their personalities they fear might turn their lovers away, but are also more likely to exaggerate those qualities they think will keep them close.

Unfortunately, as their relationship matures, intimate partners feel a growing pressure to maintain those initial pseudo-fanciful presentations, but, wanting to be loved for who they really are inside, they slowly reveal their true selves. The famous six-months “honeymoon is over,” is a predictable stage where the ruse begins to fall apart as their hidden personality characteristics break through.

Withheld histories and unspoken feelings are often hard on a relationship. One cannot hide the past forever, and newly exposed, potentially contentious issues can be enough in themselves to destroy trust. Unresolved issues from the past have a way of resurfacing and their residues may come back to haunt the partner who has withheld crucial information.

When either partner suppresses important parts-of-self to be accepted, they are in danger of allowing themselves to be controlled in the relationship. Sadly, the partner who has been given the power to “create the rules” may be totally unaware that he or she has been given those rights.

Partners who give up their power in relationships can do so for many reasons. Some of those reasons seem totally reasonable like not needing to argue over insignificant differences. In fact, the capability for partners to willingly compromise are often suggested in relationship literature. Others stem from deep feelings of insecurity or fear of repeating past failure. Most are the understandable attempts that partners make to put off conflicts until the relationship seems more secure.

If you are aware of how you or your partner may inadvertently be giving away your power in order to hold on to love, you may be able to stop that process early enough to challenge your relationship’s true potential. By taking greater risks at the beginning of a relationship you may find more challenges but preserve the hope for genuine intimacy down the line.

Here are the ten most common reasons that partners give when they allow themselves to be controlled by love:

1)     Trading honesty for harmony:

“I give in when I know I shouldn’t, but I just want things to be okay in the moment and I always think I’ll be more honest later.”

Every person in a relationship has needs and desires. Once in the relationship, he or she may also develop additional hopes that arise out of that specific relationship. When newly in love, most people are tentative about expressing any “wants” that might offend or distance their partners. They are fearful that once turned down, they will be unable to ask again. If they don’t repair that misunderstanding, they are presenting themselves as easier than they may actually be. When those needs build and force themselves to the surface, they often come out more anxious or upset than they would have been had they been asked for earlier.

Partners who are unaware of these silent sacrifices often don’t realize their partners are suffering or are not motivated to explore further. When confronted later with their emotional credit card expense, they are unlikely to feel obligated to make up what they thought was given freely.

2)     Fear of abandonment:

“I worry that my partner will leave me if she finds out about my old girlfriend texting me again. This is the best relationship I’ve ever had and I’m not going to tell her anything that could mess it up.”

Partners who are insecure about their worth are often fearful that their partners will leave them if they find out something that they don’t like. They think that they can get rid of the problem by themselves before being found out, and will not have to face the possibility of being dumped. If earlier relationships have failed, they are even more likely to be cautious with what they share up front. Sadly, they might spend too much time making sure that no potentially negative information gets leaked by friends or family members, and must weave an ever-expanding web of omission.

As time goes by, partners afraid of abandonment may over-anticipate that loss to such an extent, that any even small disagreement can make them feel anxious. It is hard for anyone to hide forever, yet their confession later can damage their partner’s level of trust, sometimes permanently. Sometimes, that insecure partner might inadvertently goad the other into threats of leaving, just to avoid living on that edge. The worried partner’s anticipation of rejection becomes more painful than the actual loss of the relationship.

3)     Fear of being hurt:

“Whenever I’ve tried to tell my partner what I really need, he reacts negatively. I’d rather just go along with the program than suffer his rejection or verbal abuse. If I just don’t argue about anything, we get along much better.”

Many people have suffered childhood neglect or abuse, or have witnessed it growing up. Traumatized from these experiences, they often end up the recipients of similar physical or emotional abuse in their adult relationships. Attracting people who dominate and control, they watch their partner’s every behavior to make certain they will not face abuse in their current relationship. They will avoid making any verbal or physical challenges to their partners and often feel powerless to stop what might happen.

They know they are paying a high price for staying in the relationship, but continually excuse their partner’s behaviors because the loss of the relationship feels more frightening than bearing the abuse. Their feelings of being dominated may be emotionally or physically painful, but are oddly familiar and unconsciously expected.

4)     When the positives of the relationship seem to compensate for the cost:

“I know I let my girlfriend control my life, but I can’t imagine living without her. She just needs to call the shots to feel secure and I’m getting plenty of what I want, at least for now.”

By the time a relationship has been around for a while, one or both partners have become attached to what they’re getting out of it. When they feel those seemingly guaranteed “perks” are threatened, they put up with behaviors that are often not good for them. As long as they are getting enough for what the relationship costs them, they may be reluctant to give up the status quo, regardless of the price they are paying.

Needed attachments are hard for anyone to give up, whether they are current or promises for the future. They allow themselves to be controlled because they cannot imagine living without the benefits they already have. It is easy to keep accepting what is, even though the cost may grow over time. It’s easy to slip into complacency, and many partners rationalize what they’re doing by thinking that there may not be “anything better out there,” or they just don’t want to get back in the dating game.

5)     Adhering to learned submission:

“I had a pretty strict dad and we were taught not to argue with authority. I’m with a good man, so why rock the boat? I certainly know how to do what I’m told. It’s a lot easier than trying to change him. Pushing someone to be different never works anyway. My dad told me that and I believe him.”

Depending on how strictly brought up they were, there are people who have never have been allowed to make decisions or to object to what they were told to do. They consciously or unconsciously choose the partners who replace their childhood caregivers and settle into a relationship that controls them. They don’t allow themselves to be disappointed with their partner’s treatment, even if others challenge it. They tend to attract people who insist on running the show and then put them on a pedestal early in the relationship.

That initial willingness to sacrifice works for some in the short run, but, over time, does not work for most. As relationships face common hurdles and different phases, what once seemed reasonable may not continue to feel as comfortable. If the partner who so willingly gave up power at the beginning of the relationship now wants to change the rules, the controlling partner is likely to see it as unjustified rebellion and move to suppress that attempt. That leaves the challenger with only two options: to return to allowing their partners to define how they are to act, what they should want, and how they should feel, or to bail. That second option may have been undermined by the relationship’s existing structure if the controlling partner also controls the resources.

6)     Reluctance to lead:

“I never have been very good at knowing what I want. My partner is really clear about what a good relationship is so I just let her make the rules. Sometimes I do have other opinions but she has this way of persuading me that she’s right, and she usually is, so I just let things go.”

Some subservient partners feel so lucky to be with their partners that they hesitate to initiate any ideas, feelings, or behaviors that might challenge them. They like being the co-pilot and never want to be the captain. Unwilling to challenge their overly-adored partners, they readily give up their own opinions when their partners disagree. They often rationalize their one-down positions by telling anyone who will listen how amazing and infallible their partners are.

Willingly accepting second place may be a cover for the fear of takingleadership, and partners who need to be in control rarely argue with their quickness to follow directions. If the reluctant leader is consistently admired and believed in by others, they may begin to question why they so easily gave up their power and try to persuade their partners to share the decision making. Unfortunately, if the relationship rules are hard-wired, they may have a very hard time getting back the vote.

7)     Resignation:

“I tried early on in the relationship to get him to change some of his behaviors and he always says he will, but then nothing happens. I’m so tired of being disappointed that I really don’t want to ask him anymore. I’ll just live with what is and hope it will be okay.”

Many partners in intimate relationships want to change some of their partner’s behaviors but were too afraid to push when the relationship was new. They wait until the relationship seems more secure and then try to ask for changes, often without success. They are either met with a passive/aggressive sham-willingness that doesn’t really mean compliance, or a clear rejection of their desires. They then try many alternate ways to ask for changes and even ask them to seek couples counseling, only to be turned down, ignored, or punished for their attempts.

Beaten and discouraged, partners who waited too long to challenge the status quo give in and accede to their partner’s limits. From the outside, they appear to be acquiescent, but their demeanor does not seem excited or hopeful. Often, they have many tethers keeping them tied to those partners, and they just accept those benefits as enough to keep them connected. In both cases, sadly, there is trouble brewing and the outcome is not usually hopeful.

8)     Reluctance to be seen as the controller:

“My dad was a control freak. He ran the roost in our family and all of us were too scared to ever confront him. I swore I would never do that to a woman when I found someone who loved me. All she has to do is just hint that I’m taking away any of her independence, and she can have anything she wants.”

Women are often the gender portrayed as being conflicted between their role expectations and their desire to be in control of a relationship. Consequently they are more likely than men to choose a seemingly subservient position. But there are also many men, often raised by very controlling caregivers, who don’t want to be anything like the people who raised them, therefore resisting their innate capacity and desire for a more powerful role.

In healthy relationships, both partners willingly secede leadership to whomever can lead best in a situation. They are looking for the highestproductivity of their relationship, and are not ego-bound in any direction to control the other. When people fear being seen as too controlling, they may give that power away even when they would do better than their partner in a given situation. Partners who start off wanting an equal relationship can be seduced into being too controlling on the other end of a person who will not lead.

9)     Need to stay loved at any price

“I always knew that I’d be easy in a relationship so long as I just felt wanted and loved. I know I don’t always stand up for myself even when I disagree with him, but he loves me so much and I don’t want to do anything to lose that security. I probably would just about accept anything he wanted me to be as long as he wants me in his life.”

People are not just their current age, but continue to be able to feel every age they’ve ever been as well. Depending upon how secure their initial base of acceptance and support was, and how that has played out in their lives, the partners in intimate relationships naturally seek those same feelings from their lovers. If they feel that love is conditional and depends on certain expected behaviors and if they are insecure about maintaining that love, then they may give up their own needs to ensure it will continue.

However, when those sacrifices become too much, that partner is in danger of losing touch with who he or she is, and can end up resenting the partner who allowed them to do that. The sadness in a partner’s compromising integrity or self-transformation in order to please, is that the other partner may never know what has been lost, and continues to expect what has been falsely offered.

10)  Martyrdom

“I give and give, and then, when I think I’ve finally earned the right to ask for what I want, my partner doesn’t think she owes me anything. She just says I shouldn’t give if I don’t want to and that it’s my fault if I think I deserve something she hasn’t agreed to, but I know she’d leave me if I didn’t do all the things she expects.”

Many people have been taught to manipulate others indulging their partner and hoping they can cash in on their sacrifices when they need to. Martyrs ask for nothing up front and give their partners the idea that their gifts are free and given out of love. Their partners may feel a twinge of concern, but the offers are too good to refuse. When the martyr’s true desires unfold, their partners often are caught unprepared and feel resentful that they are now expected to reciprocate. The result becomes a resentful, in-debt partner who feels he or she can never pay the unasked-for debt back, let alone the accrued emotional interest.

The greater sadness is that those indulgences may never have been necessary in the first place. The receiving partner might have been just as happy with much less and willingly paid equally in kind had they been informed of the rules of the game in advance. A person who must strategize and orchestrate another to be loved often never knows what it feels like to be love for who they are rather than what they give.

Being controlled by love does not bode well in the long-term for either partner. When people give up personal integrity to ensure that their lovers do not find fault or disappear, they will soon lose touch with their own internal values and ultimately with their self-respect as well. One or both partners who erase themselves to hold on to another will eventually feel resentful and disappointment in the relationship.

Test Yourself

Answer the following questions to see if you have allowed yourself to be controlled by love. Choose the level of your response with the corresponding number.

Always: 5

Frequently: 4

Sometimes: 3

Rarely: 2

Never: 1

1)      I compromise my own desires to maintain harmony. ____

2)      I live in fear of being abandoned by my partner. ____

3)      I fear my partner’s punishment if I try to take control. ____

4)      I’m concerned that I’ll lose what I already have if I start trouble. ____

5)      I don’t know any other way than to do what my partner wants. ____

6)      My partner is much better at taking charge than I am. ____

7)      I believe that my partner won’t, or can’t, change, so giving in is the best way to maintain harmony. ____

8)      When I assert myself, I feel guilty and too controlling. ____

9)      I give in to my partner’s wishes because I so desperately need to be loved. ____

10)   I believe that indulging my partner makes him or her more likely to give me what I want. ____

Now add up your scores.

1 – 10

You are not likely one to be controlled by love.

11 – 20

You allow your partner to control you at times even when you should not.

21 – 30

You are in danger of allowing your partner to control your behavior too much of the time.

31 – 40

You allow your partner to control your behavior most of the time.

41 – 50

You are in the process of erasing yourself in order to keep your relationship.

Ask your partner to take the same test so that you can compare answers. Very often, a controlling partner’s score will be opposite from that of his or her subservient partner. In some cases, both partners realize that they are giving away control when they never needed to. Whatever your scores are, they are always changeable if you both agree that your relationship is imbalanced.

To avoid giving away power in a self-destructive way, partners in new relationships must play it straight and not allow themselves to be emotional chameleons at the beginning of a new relationship. No matter how risky it might be to share your true desires, do not suppress them for the sake of comfort. Invest honestly in the possibility of an authentic relationship and present who you are up front, even if you are afraid those “confessions” could push your new partner away.

If you can allow those potential long-term partners entrance into your most sacred feelings at the beginning of the relationship, the future will not be destroyed by revelations from the past. Being deeply known and still beloved should be the goal of all intimate partners.

Often times when I am hired to mediate during a child custody dispute alongside lawyers, I meet withparents who will do their best to convince everyone that they are saints while the other parent is the spawn of satan. Mostly, this message is implied and on rare occasions overtly stated. Such an attitude often gets in the way of making a healthy decision regarding what’s best for the child or children involved, because it makes everyone involved uncomfortable and it slows down the process with disruptions.

Here are three things I do my best with tact to relay to parents during custody mediation.

No One Cares.

In the absence of physical and sexual assault committed against the child or children, no one cares how evil you believe your ex to be. Often times an aggrieved parent will point out all the flaws of the other parent in an attempt to garner collective contempt against that other parent by all parties involved, to include sympathy for their perceived pain and suffering.

It doesn’t work, because people are usually more aware of our personal flaws than we are. So when you sit before a professional to tell your side of the story, they are taking in the good and the flaws about you and these observations are made from an objective perspective.

So it becomes an irrational request for others to judge your ex withprejudice while still maintaining an objective attitude towards you.

The Children’s Needs Come First.

Another thing I often tell a parent fighting over custody, is to think about his or her parents. I will usually start off with this question,

“As a child would you have appreciated being estranged from your father or your mother?” For parents who never experienced such an ordeal, this question takes them by surprise and some silence elapses as they appear to be doing some serious thinking.

For parents who did experience such an ordeal it often evokes feelings of sadness on their facial expressions and sometimes tears. You may have a legitimate reason for not wanting to have anything to do with your ex, but does that make your ex unfit to be in the lives of his or her children?

Children who have had no contact with a parent, often experience an emotional wound that never really goes away, with the only remedy being to accept their loss, until they have an opportunity to reconnect with the other parent.

Be Careful of the Rules You Propose.

The rules you propose could return to haunt you upon implementation.  If a parent has leverage during negotiations and they propose rules they believe would make the other parent’s life difficult, those rules will also make your life difficult. For example, parents  with a more liberal leaning towards parenting who insist on rules that give the child plenty of leeway with the more conservative parents, often find themselves in a difficult situation when the child habitually engages in trouble making and constantly reminds the parent about the agreed upon rules.

Rules that limit the amount of communication between both parents will almost always come back to haunt both parents, as children from an early age learn to manipulate the lack of communication between both parents to their advantage.

I will often tell parents that if the only time they unite for the sake the child is when the child is in trouble, they have put themselves in a vulnerable position of being reactive, instead of anticipating and making plans.

People understand that two people coming out of a relationship usually have raw feelings, but placing yourself in the position of the child and making decisions for the child with best intentions is usually the best approach.

Ugo is a psychotherapist and owner of Road 2 Resolutions, a professional counseling private practice located in Tucson AZ.

We all have our “perfect date attribute” wish lists. Some are short and succinct; some could fill a book (so much for realistic expectations, right?). But the truth is that all of us can name a few traits that are essential for our next romantic partner — whether we admit them or not!

According to many common cultural stereotypes, men put more value on a partner’s physical appearance and passion, while women put financial stability and faithful commitment at the top of their romantic checklists. While there’s usually a grain of truth in those beliefs, the reality probably lies somewhere in the middle — i.e., with men and women valuing similar features in their partners, but perhaps they’re prioritizing (and, in some cases, defining) them differently.

Out of all the possibilities, what’s the most important trait that men absolutely, positively must have in a new relationship? I spoke with several single guys to find out. In their own words, hear how they — sometimes after years of dating and self-exploration — discovered the one thing that they care about the most in matters of the heart.

“She needs to be attractive”
Washingtonian Tim, 36, is quite blunt about what he’s looking for: “She needs to be attractive. For most guys, I bet it’s the same. At first glance, I definitely notice a woman’s looks. That’s the initial spark… and after we’ve been together awhile — even when the initial spark wears off and we’re used to each other — I still like it when she makes an effort for me.” True, this supports the stereotype of men primarily being drawn to a woman’s good looks, but the new twist lies in how that might play out over a longer-term relationship. Tim himself said that good looks are tied to making an effort for your partner; in other words, it’s not necessarily about resembling a supermodel or looking exactly as you did the night you met but the effort itself that counts.

A study published in a recent issue of the Journal of Family Psychology supports this idea of how looks continue to matter beyond that initial attraction stage, though in a different way. The same study suggests that the physical attractiveness of men isn’t as paramount to women, who zero in on a guy’s ability to offer support and stability, especially in a partner.

“I want to be loved for who I am, not what I can provide”
Marylander Sam, 34, says: “I want a woman who wants me, not one who needs me. I want her to love me for me. I can tell [when] a woman is just interested in the externals, which in my book are the equivalent of being in love for money, appearances, or out of desperation. I’ve dated women who were more into those three [things] than into [who I am as a person]. I don’t want to be looked at like I’m a bank, a daddy on demand, or a means to an end of any kind.” The takeaway lesson here is that men are looking for an authentic connection and really notice its absence. “I’d rather have a real woman who is into me than some idealized version… who wants me to be Ken to her Barbie,” explains Sam.

“For me, physical affection is essential”
Sometimes there’s a misperception that men just want to jump into bed. While it’s definitely important (an understatement, perhaps?), men also want to share everyday simple, physical connections — a hug, a touch, a kiss — with their partners. “My friends couldn’t understand when I broke up with my last girlfriend, who I dated for a year before realizing that this was not it,” says Bostonian Anthony, 31. “She was hot, smart and had a lot of good qualities, but I really ended up craving affection. After an initial couple of months that were very touchy-feely, she became a little cold. It was all about my missing feeling the physical connection in regular, daily ways.” Warmth and touch really count in forming romantic bonds.

“She has to get my jokes and sense of humor”
Dare I say that humor is an oft-unrecognized but key element of male-centric flirting? That may be a new way of expressing it, but it does exist. “I really like to laugh and have fun,” says Washingtonian Mike, 28. “Life is heavy enough. I work really hard. At the end of the day, yes, I want her to be sexy and for us to have things in common, but I want to laugh, too. It’s been hard to find a woman who laughs with me as much as I want. I’ve dated women who just didn’t get my sense of humor and the relationships always fizzled. I cite that as a big reason.” Laughter stokes a man’s ego when he’s trying to entertain, makes him feel understood, and puts him at ease in a way that few other expressions do, because it makes a man feel powerful. What’s a bigger turn-on than that for any man?

“My next girlfriend has got to be straightforward and patient”
“If you’d asked me this question 10 years ago, I would have responded with ‘good-looking’ or maybe ‘passionate’ for my answer,” says Floridian Peter, 39. “But after a string of failed relationships, I know better what really matters now. When I’m dating a woman, I care about physical attraction and excitement, but in the back of my mind, I’m definitely seeing how she responds to challenges. Does she wig out over small things? Do I constantly have to calm her down or reassure her when things don’t go her way? Does she approach our differences straightforwardly by telling me how she feels in a fairly rational way, or is she a passive-aggressive pouter? I don’t care how beautiful she is; if a woman frustrates me, acts out irrationally or makes me feel like I need to be a mind-reader, I’m outta there. My next girlfriend has got to be chilled out and patient.”

Any guy who’s been out there dating for a while (and maybe had a few bad breakups along the way) is going to have his own set of red flags. And, like Peter, many men want a woman who won’t play minds games with them in relationships.

For the other side of the story, read She said: “My relationship has to have ____”.

Dave Singleton, an award-winning writer and columnist for Match.com since 2003, is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Visit his website, follow him on Twitter, or email him.